Bangkok Klong of Consciousness

‘Does this shirt make me look gay?’ I ask, swinging my shoulders about uncomfortably in front of the full-length mirror.

‘No,’ she replies without looking up from her magazine. ‘The thing that’s making you look gay, is you wondering so much what you look like.’

It’s a fair point, but I’m not going to admit defeat so easily. And judging by the tone of her voice this is an invitation to flirt argue.

She starts translating an article in her magazine out loud. It’s an interview with a famous Thai make-up artist who also happens to be a katoey (ladyboy).

Suddenly she asks, ‘If you had to choose whether you were born a man or a woman, what would you choose?’

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‘I tried to concoct the perfect lonely-hearts ad for the personals,’ writes Neil Strauss in his bizarre but best-selling novel, ‘The Game‘. ‘After several failures, I succeeded. The secret, I learned, was to seem like a selfish prick in the ad, and then be a fascinating, laid-back gentleman on meeting.’

Inspired, Klong of Consciousness set about creating its own Thai-style dating experiment and placed the following three personal ads in the classifieds section of the Nation newspaper:

The Lovable Loser
Genuine nice guy with a big heart. Seeking friendly Thai female companion for sharing fun conversation and romantic dinners.
Total replies: 3

The Honest Guy
Hideous-looking, obese, smelly, ill-tempered, lazy, cowardly and a complete liar seeks total opposite.
Total replies: 5

The Cocky Bastard
Do you think you would you look good sitting in the passenger seat of my BMW? Looking for hot girls who know how to have fun and like to party at the best nightspots in BKK. Must look like a model but treat me like an ugly girl.
Total replies: 47

So there you have it. Admittedly some of the replies were piss-takes from people who have as much free time on their hands as me, but the overwhelming evidence seems to confirm that when it comes to personals, the key to success is to be a complete wanker.

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