Bangkok Klong of Consciousness

When I was a child we had this game made of chunky plastic called ‘Screwball Scramble’, where you had to navigate a metal ball through various obstacles.

Whenever I think of the game I vividly remember the parallel bars obstacle. It comprised of two metal rods on which the ball sits and by moving the rods apart with a lever, the ball could be made to roll forward onto the next stage of the game. However if the rods opened too far, the ball would fall through and you’d have to start all over again.

Last week I dreamed I was playing this game, but every time I tried to open the rods I’d panic and quickly close them again, forcing the ball to roll back. Then, in some sort of pretentious midnight epiphany, I realised that it wasn’t just a ball I was trying to move forward, it was my life.

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‘I tried to concoct the perfect lonely-hearts ad for the personals,’ writes Neil Strauss in his bizarre but best-selling novel, ‘The Game‘. ‘After several failures, I succeeded. The secret, I learned, was to seem like a selfish prick in the ad, and then be a fascinating, laid-back gentleman on meeting.’

Inspired, Klong of Consciousness set about creating its own Thai-style dating experiment and placed the following three personal ads in the classifieds section of the Nation newspaper:

The Lovable Loser
Genuine nice guy with a big heart. Seeking friendly Thai female companion for sharing fun conversation and romantic dinners.
Total replies: 3

The Honest Guy
Hideous-looking, obese, smelly, ill-tempered, lazy, cowardly and a complete liar seeks total opposite.
Total replies: 5

The Cocky Bastard
Do you think you would you look good sitting in the passenger seat of my BMW? Looking for hot girls who know how to have fun and like to party at the best nightspots in BKK. Must look like a model but treat me like an ugly girl.
Total replies: 47

So there you have it. Admittedly some of the replies were piss-takes from people who have as much free time on their hands as me, but the overwhelming evidence seems to confirm that when it comes to personals, the key to success is to be a complete wanker.

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