Bangkok Klong of Consciousness

‘Does this shirt make me look gay?’ I ask, swinging my shoulders about uncomfortably in front of the full-length mirror.

‘No,’ she replies without looking up from her magazine. ‘The thing that’s making you look gay, is you wondering so much what you look like.’

It’s a fair point, but I’m not going to admit defeat so easily. And judging by the tone of her voice this is an invitation to flirt argue.

She starts translating an article in her magazine out loud. It’s an interview with a famous Thai make-up artist who also happens to be a katoey (ladyboy).

Suddenly she asks, ‘If you had to choose whether you were born a man or a woman, what would you choose?’

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Hello. If you’ve come here via the old klongofconsciousness.wordpress address, then congratulations for finding me. I’m now using a new server and have my own URL.

This site is meant to be about writing and all-things Bangkok, but recently it has proved to be a crash-course in HTML and all-things geek. Eveything should now be up and running tho, so please just bear with me as I tweak things.

There are lots of big plans ahead for this site which you’ll be the first to hear about, so stay tuned. More to come very soon.

Thanks for visiting and feel free to comment.

Klong of Consciousness.

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When I was a child we had this game made of chunky plastic called ‘Screwball Scramble’, where you had to navigate a metal ball through various obstacles.

Whenever I think of the game I vividly remember the parallel bars obstacle. It comprised of two metal rods on which the ball sits and by moving the rods apart with a lever, the ball could be made to roll forward onto the next stage of the game. However if the rods opened too far, the ball would fall through and you’d have to start all over again.

Last week I dreamed I was playing this game, but every time I tried to open the rods I’d panic and quickly close them again, forcing the ball to roll back. Then, in some sort of pretentious midnight epiphany, I realised that it wasn’t just a ball I was trying to move forward, it was my life.

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One of my favourite Thai bands, Saturday Seiko are finally back with a new-look lineup and new album, entitled Super Sunday.

After their self-titled debut album in 2002, and successful 2005 follow-up Goodnight Friday, two new guitarists have been brought in, but lead singer and dek naew idol, ‘Koy’ (pictured below on stage at Central World), continues to front the band with her quirky dress-sense, strong vocals and introspective lyrics.

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‘I tried to concoct the perfect lonely-hearts ad for the personals,’ writes Neil Strauss in his bizarre but best-selling novel, ‘The Game‘. ‘After several failures, I succeeded. The secret, I learned, was to seem like a selfish prick in the ad, and then be a fascinating, laid-back gentleman on meeting.’

Inspired, Klong of Consciousness set about creating its own Thai-style dating experiment and placed the following three personal ads in the classifieds section of the Nation newspaper:

The Lovable Loser
Genuine nice guy with a big heart. Seeking friendly Thai female companion for sharing fun conversation and romantic dinners.
Total replies: 3

The Honest Guy
Hideous-looking, obese, smelly, ill-tempered, lazy, cowardly and a complete liar seeks total opposite.
Total replies: 5

The Cocky Bastard
Do you think you would you look good sitting in the passenger seat of my BMW? Looking for hot girls who know how to have fun and like to party at the best nightspots in BKK. Must look like a model but treat me like an ugly girl.
Total replies: 47

So there you have it. Admittedly some of the replies were piss-takes from people who have as much free time on their hands as me, but the overwhelming evidence seems to confirm that when it comes to personals, the key to success is to be a complete wanker.

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‘My biggest regret in life,’ my Dad told me one Sunday morning, ‘is wasting so many years worrying about what other people think.’

It was a typically English father-son moment. I leaned against the hall doorway in my dressing-gown as my Dad stood at the kitchen sink, looking out of the window and into the garden beyond. Little eye contact was involved but I knew he was trying to tell me something important and his words have stuck with me ever since.

Yet some five years on, a crushing cloud of anxiety still gathers around me whenever I meet new people for the first time. All the worry of what they might think of me turns my words into a mumbling gibberish and I walk clumsily as my brain tries to convince my body that it is capable of moving with grace and confidence.

They say the best way to overcome fears of a social nature is to go out and start a conversation with as many strangers as you can in one day. Now I’m in Thailand and my spoken Thai is still a work in progress, but what the hell, this could be fun. Here’s what happened when I tried it today:

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I flare my nostrils as the unmistakable smell of stale body odour gathers around me. It’s emanating from the starched blue shirt of the Skytrain security guard who’s just squeezed himself tightly into the small space in front of me. I’m not flaring my nostrils to get a better sniff you understand, I’m just trying to make it clear to the other passengers that I’m aware of the smell - and more importantly that it’s not coming from me. Not that you can blame the guy. If I had to stand on the platform all day wearing that uniform I’d probably smell too. Hell, just the thought of saying goodbye to the air-con of my apartment gets me sweating.

“Pizzaaaa! Sip-et, sip-sawng!”

As the train pulls into Asoke, I shift my feet nervously amongst the mass of contorted arms, bulky handbags and open-toe high heels that probably won’t appreciate the firm design of my heel. Yes, welcome to the rush-hour madness that is the space directly in front of the skytrain doors. My movement is meant to be a vain attempt at acknowledging the people who want to get off, but judging by the sudden push from behind, it has mistakenly been interpreted as meaning that I want to get off myself.

“Ooh! Cherry-co!”

At last some space. I can see the floor again. The train lurches forward and I reach out to steady myself on the central pole. Instead my hand meets the shiny polyester of a man’s shirt. He is casually leaning against the pole with his entire back propped against it, seemingly unaware that others might wish to hold onto it. Shit. We’re about to reach the wobbly bit before Ploen Chit. I make a last-ditch attempt to reach for a hanging handle. It gives a disapproving squeak as it readjusts to my weight and positively shrieks as we hit the bumpy bit of the track.

Hold your breath, hold your breath. Woosh. The doors open with a clumsy sense of urgency and we pile out, composing ourselves as we step onto the platform and into the sunshine beyond. Aaah. And breathe.

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‘Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud to be Thai,’ she says to me, carefully scooping a spoonful of strawberry sorbet from the glass in front of me. ‘But Thai people just don’t like to read books.’

I watch her play with the spoon in her mouth for a moment and take a look around. A group of university students giggle as they listen to a Thai pop song on a mobile phone. A man in his late-twenties shifts his weight in his chair as he turns the pages of a small black and white comic book. Maybe she has a point.

‘What about the bookshops like Asia Books and Kinokuniya in Emporium?’ I ask, trying to sound engaging.

‘C’mon, it’s mostly foreigners who go to those places,’ she replies. ‘It completely goes against Thai people’s nature to sit down for hours on their own and read a book.’

‘What about you?” I continue. “You enjoy reading.”

“Yes, but I’m different.’

‘Hmm.. Maybe you’re right,’ I say, leaning forward to tuck a loose hair behind her ear. ‘But you still stole all my sorbet.’

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…another Bangkok blog is born.

So here’s the thing. I used to be a writer. Not necessarily a good one, but I was nonetheless paid to be a writer in the professional sense. Then somewhere along the line I stopped. I was forced to look back and think about where all these words were leading me - and the truth was, nowhere fast. You see, writers in Bangkok don’t get paid enough to realise all the dreams that keep me awake at night.

And now here I find myself, a twenty-something guy in Krungthep, hurriedly putting on a suit in the morning, trying to squeeze onto the Skytrain at 8.30am, sipping coffee from Starbucks, discussing corporate timelines and arranging meetings on my mobile. But don’t let my appearance deceive you. There’s still a writer in me, and this is where you’ll find it - a place to express my thoughts, indulge my need to be creative and share my klong of consciousness. Welcome.

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