Bangkok Klong of Consciousness

Ever wondered what life would be like if Facebook was real?

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Fed up of being pushed around on the skytrain while others stare at the TV adverts, contentedly exploring their nostrils? Or maybe you just don’t know what to do with those fidgety hands of yours? Fear not, the Thai Ministry of Culture is here to help with this handy booklet on Thai social etiquette:

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‘Words’ - The Guillemots

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Ok so I admit it, this site has been - among other things - a feeble attempt to make some cash. However, after about 3 months and a surprising number of hits, I can still count the ad revenue with my left hand.

I’m too busy with work and other horrors from the real world right now to keep writing, so for the time being I am giving up. A flash of inspiration in the future might see its glorious resurrection, but in the meantime I’ll be keeping my drivel to myself.

Thanks for reading and stay cool, you of good taste.

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As of tonight, bar and club owners throughout Thailand will be legally required to ban all smokers from lighting up inside in their premises.

A similar ban was introduced at pubs and bars in England on July 1st last year, sparking off a social phenomenon that the British press have since dubbed ‘smirting’ (a combination of smoking and flirting at the same time).

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In a new feature for klongofconsciousness.com, I’ll be bringing you a free Thai song every Friday for your listening pleasure. Call it lazy blogging, but I call it sharing decent Thai music with the world (plus I like to go out on Friday nights).

So what better place to start than with one of the most influential Thai bands of all time. They’ve been around for more than fifteen years, opened for Radiohead and sold over 2 million albums. Who am I talking about? Yes, it is of course the mighty Modern Dog.

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Before you read this post, let me just say that this is not one of those Thai-farang relationship sites that rant on about the pros and cons of Thai women. As far as I’m concerned that stuff consumes more than its fair share of this planet’s internet bandwidth already. Men are men, and women are women.

However, there are times when it’s impossible not to pick up on a common trait of the local female population. With this in mind, what follows are some examples of how the sharp-tongued comments, ridiculously astute observation skills and all-seeing eyes of Thai women have kicked yours truly hard in the nuts. Ok, let’s begin…

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Who is the voice on the other end of Jack’s radio call? Is there really a freighter ship coming to rescue everyone off the island? What is the real story behind Ben and the Others? Who is Jacob? Why do all the pregnant women die? Is Charlie really dead? Where is Walt? So many questions, so few answers. And we still aren’t any wiser as to what the monster made of black smoke is.

What am I talking about? Well if you don’t know, you deserve to be dumped on a remote island and tortured mercilessly by a combination of unexplainable forces and your own psychological fears, forever suffering flashbacks to terrifying incidents in your past and flash-forwards to how doomed your life is destined to become. Oh wait, this is sounding familiar…

Yes, after more than seven months, Lost Season 4 has finally found its way onto our screens with the season premiere airing in the US last Thursday night. The writers claim that this season will answer a lot of questions, but it’s probably worth remembering that they’ve said that every season since the show began.

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If you’re ever in the Siam Square area of Bangkok and find yourself in need of escaping the heat, a leisurely stroll around Siam Paragon shopping centre could be just the ticket. But venture up to the 4th floor and you’ll soon find yourself standing at the gates to the bizarre hell-on-earth that is the California WOW Xperience.

As with many of Bangkok’s ‘trendy’ shopping malls, not many people actually go to Siam Paragon to buy anything. To say that most of the visitors are only there to meet friends, watch a movie or eat at the foodcourt is putting it mildly. The truth is that many more are simply there to show off. If it wasn’t for an abundance of designer sunglasses you’d be able to see the glee in people’s eyes as walkways and escalators melt away to form a giant imaginary catwalk.

It probably shouldn’t come as a surprise then to learn that just as nobody goes to Siam Paragon to shop, nobody goes to California WOW to do any exercise either.

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‘Does this shirt make me look gay?’ I ask, swinging my shoulders about uncomfortably in front of the full-length mirror.

‘No,’ she replies without looking up from her magazine. ‘The thing that’s making you look gay, is you wondering so much what you look like.’

It’s a fair point, but I’m not going to admit defeat so easily. And judging by the tone of her voice this is an invitation to flirt argue.

She starts translating an article in her magazine out loud. It’s an interview with a famous Thai make-up artist who also happens to be a katoey (ladyboy).

Suddenly she asks, ‘If you had to choose whether you were born a man or a woman, what would you choose?’

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